Saturday, July 14, 2012

Good Morning All,

I bet you thought I fell off the face of the earth huh!  Well in a way I kind of did.  I got divorced so for a while it felt like the ground was falling out from beneath my feet.  And I finally feel ready to write about it, yes even on this blog called "The Uptown Bride"!

Statistics tell us that divorce is happening to a large portion of the country, & I shouldn't feel alone.  Yet I didn't know anyone who's been divorced, and I didn't know what to do with this new identity I didn't want to have.  I felt like the whole world would be judging me as a failure; a failure as a wife, a woman and a failure as an adult.  I mean, I knew that I wasn't a failure (didn't I?), but as my old classmates were starting their families, I was suddenly starting over again, and this time, alone.

 But as I started to reach out to people I found that I did know several people who'd been divorced, and just being able to see that their lives didn't end, that they did find love again, was perhaps the most comforting thing of all.  I was amazed at how nice people were to me.  Sure I encountered a few insensitive types who made a joke of the situation, or implied that I should just "get over it" and act as though the last 10 years didn't exist.  Seriously, can you believe that?  How absurd to tell someone to "get over" their marriage!  As though anyone could.  That would be like asking a soldier to "get over" his active duty; it was a huge part of his life & part of his personal history.  No one will ever simply forget something that changed them & shaped them as a person.  But I digress.  In truth, all my friends, whether single, married or somewhere in between, were more than willing to lend a shoulder to cry on, supportive words, and a kick in the butt when I needed it too.   I found I wasn't alone at all. And I'm so glad because I don't know how I would have handled the change without them.

 Change is scary in general and this was a big one!  I left my whole life behind me.   Within the span of a couple months I was single, I'd shut down my struggling business, left my home(& my cat!) and moved myself to a new city where a new exciting job awaited me.  Leaving my neighborhood & my house was very hard because I loved them so much.  It had taken me a couple years to feel at home in the big city and now I was leaving.  Would I return one day?  Just one of the many still unanswered questions.  Insecurities abounded, often overriding the sensible part of my brain.  Will I ever find someone to love again?  Will anyone ever fall in love with me?  Will I die old, alone and childless in a dingy apartment after slipping in the shower and then it's not until the neighbors dog sniffs out my rotting corpse that they find me and I'm just one of those super sad news blips people post on buzzfeed??? 

It's amazing how you can know a fear is completely irrational but it still manages to frighten you anyway.  I had to face some scary truths.  My future, which I always had a view of before, suddenly stretched out before me as nothing but an endless black fog, thick as pea soup, and I couldn't see a thing.  I think that was the scariest part of all for me, not being able to see ahead, not being able to plan for what's next because I honestly don't know what's next.  It still scares me a little sometimes, but I've become comfortable with my more limited view.  I know what I'm doing for the next year or so and that's enough for now.   And the irrational questions have ceased as well. Obviously I'm not gonna tragically die alone.  Of course I will love someone again; I already feel my heart opening up to this.  Will someone ever fall for me? Well that remains to be seen, but my hopes are high as the sky.

Maybe the most important thing I've learned is just to be patient and have faith in the universe.  Sometimes you don't know why something doesn't go the way you planned it.  It might take days or it might take months but eventually the reasons will become crystal clear.    But I think I'll let one of my idols say it.